playwright, educator, etc.

charlesemangan@gmail.com

croaking and breathing

(Jenkintown, Pennsylvania)

9/21/20223 min read

today, I awoke into a hollowed out body. it's not like I can't move or anything; I can. i just can't really think about or chew what I do; I often find myself "discovering" that I'm in whatever present situation I'm in, not fully aware as to how I arrived to that moment. for example; right now I'm sipping my 2nd to last morning coffee before I leave the country. when did that happen? bruh

during the past few months, this hollowness has repeatedly shown up, and it’s happened for a lot of my life. It’s definitely not something new. tomorrow is the day I leave, and with it, there are many (too many) unanswered questions in my brain. Frick frick frick frick frick frick frick

it’s at this point I croak. then I take a deep breath. then i taste my coffee.

tomorrow, my feet will lift off American soil, and I’ll be flying over to Thailand for the first time since 10 years old. for the first month, I'll be taking classes on English Teaching Pedagogy, as well as Thai Langauge classes. then, for the rest of the year, I'll be teaching English in Sukhothai, Thailand.

back in April, just moments before I was about to give a presentation for my Senior Neuroscience, I received an email from the IIE saying that my Fulbright Application portal had been updated. knowing that the big decision was right there, I had never clicked a link so anxiously and quickly. once it opened, my heart stopped beating. i was filled with a fiery adrenaline. i was accepted. and boy oh boy oh boy oh boy, did I feel relieved!!

guys: if there’s something you need to know about me, it’s that I am an overthinker. a grossly anxious overthinker, if u will. i am consistently thinking about the future, trying to predict what’s going to happen. i love knowing what’s going to happen, and I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. when I don’t, it’s mind-consuming. it gets in the way of just doing things, it gets annoying. so, as you can imagine, being a senior without solidified post-grad plans (the term “post-grad plans” made/makes me wanna throw my head against a brick wall) was a particularly delightful (sarcasm haha!) dread. thankfully, it was also a communal one. a common ritual among my friends, whenever it came up in conversation, was to begin a chorus of froggy croaks. one person would start groaning, then another would join, such that we were all anxiously croaking into a void of stupidly unknown nothingness. then, we would breathe, and then we would laugh.

for a little while, it went away. i got a Fulbright, I’m good! i found the “post-grad plan!” and, to be frank, for a long while I felt amazing. i am personally convinced that the greatest, most euphoric emotion, is relief. for the past couple of months, I have really been riding that relief wave. it’s been nice. to be unbound from the anxiety of the stupidly unknown nothingness void of the future has really felt like living, and I’ve found myself being the most present version of myself in a while. when i wasn't hollow. i could actually process and consolidate the sensations my eyes and ears and nose and tongue collected. my consciousness lost its constantly chunky quality, and it began to flow.

probably about a month ago, I began to find myself croaking like a frog again. the thought of being an English Teacher in a country whose language I couldn’t speak really, really settled in. in a moment, I felt the weightlessness and hollow re-enter and transform my body. i began to feel frustrated, very frustrated. i put so, so so so so so so much stupid freaking effort into this application SO THAT this state of being would GO AWAY forever. honestly, incredibly rude of my brain to go there!!!

but (hold on) it gets worse (bruh)!!! it came back! the feeling freaking came back! again and again, a new unknown thing to worry about. frick frick frick frick frick frick frick frick

upon chatting to a loved one about it, it definitely was silly of me to expect it to go away forever. so silly! he reminded me of the importance of croaking and breathing, as well as having others to croak and breathe with. it propelled me through the unknown before, it will propel me again. so here I am, sitting on my dining room table, drinking my coffee and croaking and breathing and typing. i can’t predict what exactly will happen; I will never be able to do that. the best I can do is be present, be now. all I can do is do.

charlie mangan // charlesemangan@gmail.com